I am not okay.
January 5th was day two of training. I had the pleasure of spending time with a wonderful group of high school educators excited to take a deep dive into Restorative Practices. For those unfamiliar, Restorative Practices are the behaviors, procedures and systems that build a strong community, provide voice and choice to all, and restore relationships after harm. So essentially, we spent two days focused on how to work collaboratively with others to create the type of community to which we all want to belong.
And then January 6th happened, and the world watched a domestic attack on our Capitol.
Like most people, I am struggling to sift through all of the emotions I have been experiencing. I can feel the weight on my shoulders, the tension in my jaw, the heaviness on my chest. I have tried to attach an emotion to each of these sensations, and nothing seems to capture the sensation correctly. Sadness? Nope. Not strong enough. Fear? Maybe . . . keep going. There is one thing I know for certain. I am not okay.
In Restorative Practices, we learn about the Nine Affects. These nine affects are experienced by all humans, and include a range of emotions, growing in intensity. Each time I see the graphic of the Nine Affects it strikes me- there are only two positive affects, and six negative ones. This feels in opposition to the cultural norms I experience daily.
Anyone: “Hi! How are you?”
Everyone: “I am fine! And you?”
Anyone: “Just fine!”
Without much thought, most of us report that we are “fine” several times a day. But are we? Is it humanly possible to be “fine” all the time? If not, what do we need to do to normalize sharing our true affect?
I reach back into the Restorative Practices training materials to look for solutions and find Affective Statements. In summary, these are statements that share how you are feeling about a given situation, serving as a model in being vulnerable and honest. It is our vulnerability and honesty that allows us to connect, truly, with others. So, when my very next Zoom call comes, I decide to lean into Affective Statements. Our societal norm may be set to “fine”, but I get to choose something that feels a bit more true.
Jess: “Hey, Kori! How are you?”
Me: “I don’t know. I am having a hard time figuring out how I feel right now.”
Jess: “Oh man! I am glad you said that. I feel the same way!”
And in that expression of mutual honesty, we connected in a deeper way than we had before. As a collective, our nation is greatly concerned for the social and emotional well-being of our students, as we should be. It is my hope that, as schools build out supports for our young people, they think of our big people, too. I can envision morning check ins for teachers, and restorative circles for staff- places where we can share how we are really doing, and support each other in growing stronger, together.
There is a lot of uncertainty right now, and we will each experience a great deal of emotions as a result. I now fully embrace that it is okay not to be okay. In 2021 let us be honest about how we are doing and build a community around that.
